We hear a lot nowadays about bullying; how to stop it, what it does to children, how it's linked to bad things like depression and suicide, and how the fast clip of technology and open world of social networking has led to the extension of these bad behaviors online. But is it always bad? Can we learn something from our enemies?
Well, most of the work on children who are rejected in childhood - children who are not liked by other kids - suggests that they are low in social competence, aggressive and depressed, and that many of these effects may persist on a relatively long-term basis. Not good.
But a new article in the New York Times suggests that these effects may be overstated, at least for the majority of children. As it turns out, the research on our childhood enemies may have been skewed by our focus on rejected children. Chronically disliked, highly aggressive, often impulsive and hostile - these children are a special, smaller group and may not accurately represent the influence of our more moderate adversaries. Many many of us had enemies in our childhood years - the mean kid, the one who threw your lunch or called you names, the friend who turned against you and laughed in your face, the foe who spread nasty rumors about you. But most of us turn out okay. In fact, not just okay. Those interactions with our enemies may have actually led to increases in our social competence. They may have actually helped us.
“Friendships provide a context in which children develop, but of course so do negative peer relations,” said Maurissa Abecassis, a psychologist at Colby-Sawyer College in New Hampshire. “We should expect that both types of relationships, as different as they are, present opportunities for growth.”But how can this be? What might enemies be teaching us? Well, we will always encounter people we dislike - the infinite variability of those around us ensures that to be true. And there will always be people who don't like us. Being able to identify this and respond appropriately is a skill, and it is a skill that can be honed in childhood as we navigate the land mines of the social world. If someone hates you, it's actually adaptive to realize that and not waste energy on trying to be friends - a process that may ultimately be for naught. And a shared enemy? We've known for a long time that that helps us to strengthen our social bonds with our allies.
So we don't have to like our childhood enemies. But we should perhaps thank them for teaching us some important, if unpleasant lessons.
