We will be talking about gender tomorrow, and in honor of that, I am submitting a post by my cousin. She is transgender/transsexual, and I asked if she would mind writing a post about her experiences. She didn't (mind that is), and it's lovely and informative and honest, and she also is willing to answer questions if you have any. In any case, rather than speaking for her, here's her post.
Hi,
I'm a 25-year-old trans girl. I've been asked to offer my perspective on being trans, so, uh....here goes? [I guess I should preface this by saying that this is just my own perspective, I certainly don't speak for all trans women or anything like that, and (as far as I can tell) there's a lot of variation in transpeople's experience, so...mine is not representative of everyone's. Moreover, I can't speak for trans men, seeing as how I'm not one.]
Apologies in advance, this is kinda long and may sound a little rambly. I wasn't quite sure how to go about this at first, so...
Growing up was kind of odd and uncomfortable. As a young child, though I couldn't really identify particular things as 'oh hey signs that I'm trans' (after all, I had no idea that this sort of condition existed when I was little, and I didn't quite know what to make of my feelings at the time...though on an aside, it's worth noting that there are people who have an unshakeably certain sense of "I am [other gender]" from early early childhood), there were a bunch of times when I would look at what I guess one would call normal female socialization among girls my age - regular girls doing regular girl stuff, interacting in single-gender groups of friends (and in a way that differed from male group interaction), et cetera - and think, "I *should* be with the other girls." Of course, being male-bodied and reeeally given to worrying about this stuff, I figured...number one, they'll just see a guy and be all "augh get out," and number two, the male socialization I received told me that boys simply *shouldn't* try to be 'one of the girls'/do girl things/etc., and that doing so makes you a target for harassment. Not saying this was the sole cause, but this sort of stuff had a hand in making me pretty introverted and depressed as a young kid, to the point that I ended up on Zoloft by middle school.
When I was in my teens, the discomfort got worse, yay puberty! All the changes I went through - deeper voice, hair all over, other things that may or may not be TMI - just struck me as *wrong* and pretty depressing and I couldn't help but compare myself to the normal girls at school, feel really despondent/envious, and think, "that's how I -should- be, what the hell's wrong with me?" Really, I can't think of any time when it felt normal or right or whatever to look at myself based on male standards of 'normal' or 'healthy/good-looking'/what-have-you as opposed to female ones. My dysphoria and sense of "I am not a guy/not like guys, I should look like normal girls look," along with my existing sensitivity over weight/appearance, eventually brought on a nasty battle with anorexia/bulimia while I was in undergrad, as well. I'm still not *entirely* over that and have some pretty severe body image issues.
What made my adolescence even worse was, I was expected to be *happy* (or at least content) with being a guy, looking like a guy, et cetera, simply by virtue of having guyparts. Everything I knew told me that if I said *anything* about how I felt, I'd be ostracized/ridiculed as gay or weird or something. So I kept quiet about my feelings - the closest I got to doing anything was intermittently acting girly (sometimes exaggeratedly so) when with female friends in hopes of being perceived as "not a guy/one of the girls."
So that's high school. In college, my gender dysphoria felt like it was at a low ebb for a little while, though it was supplanted somewhat by other problems for a little while. I ended up going through some pretty severe experiences with anorexia/bulimia (my gender dysphoria wasn't the sole cause of this, though it really affected my conception of "how I *should* look"), more depression followed, and consequently had to withdraw for a semester. I switched schools after my second year, finally said to myself "hey, I really *am* trans" sometime in my third year. Of course, saying it to myself and actively pursuing transition are two very different things, and I didn't start taking substantial steps until my second year of law school - my desire to right my body was inhibited by fear of discrimination (there have been more citywide trans-inclusive antidiscrimination ordinances passed in recent years, but it's still legal to discriminate in hiring, housing, public accommodations, and the like in most places, and even now it's iffy whether a trans-inclusive ENDA will be passed anytime soon), ostracism/harassment/outright violence, estrangement from friends and family, et cetera.
Worries aside, thanks to a really supportive boyfriend and some other friends (trans and cisgender alike) who showed me that no, honesty about my tran *wouldn't* necessarily make me lose everyone I cared about, I worked up the courage to start transition last Fall, and I'm much much better for it (especially since starting hormones last December). I've come out of my shell (for lack of a better term), I feel genuinely *happy* (seriously, I was a pretty dour and despondent kid/adolescent/undergrad most of the time, so to find myself smiling and laughing and suchlike so much more nowadays is an almost unsettlingly big change, haha), and I just feel a lot more comfortable with myself on the whole. Moreover, I feel like I can just be myself gender identity-wise and otherwise, and that's a *huge* weight off my shoulders, not having to worry about 'giving myself away' or anything.
I guess the only thing I have left to say is that, although transition isn't a cure-all - if you had issues before starting E or T, taking hormones or whatever isn't going to fix them right off the bat - it has the potential to *really* help people like myself, both in the immediate physical sense and in the longer-term happiness/motivation sense.
Sorry, this is probably all over the place. :x I'm better at answering questions (seriously, I'm fairly well-read on this sort of thing) than I am at coming up with stuff from scratch, so....if any of you have any questions, please feel free to post them in the comments for this entry and I'll try to respond ASAP.
(Also, short lexicon (as far as I know, please bear in mind I'm *not* an expert, I just read a lot of stuff on the internet) for the uninitiated:
As far as the distinction between sex and gender goes,
"sex is between the legs (physical/external), gender is between the ears (neurological/internal)."
MtF - male-to-female
FtM - female-to-male
Cisgender - where your internal gender identity matches your body/natal sex.
Transgender - umbrella category encompassing all "gender-variant individuals"
Transsexuals - subcategory of transgender people, individuals whose gender identity does not match their natal (birth) sex and who either plan to pursue sex reassignment surgery or who have already received this treatment.
Intersex - people born with both male and female sexual characteristics, or those with "intermediate or atypical combinations of physical features that usually distinguish male from female," according to Wikipedia. Some intersexed individuals' experiences mirror those of transpeople to an extent; in some cases (or so I've read), an intersexed child will receive corrective surgery to make their 'atypical features' match their presumed sex, and in the event (however unlikely) that the doctor gets it wrong, well.
Anyways, thanks for your time, everyone!
Thank you for sharing this! I have a much older friend, and former instructor, who is a trans woman. I was close to her when she transitioned (and still am), rather late in life (at 48) and know some of what she struggled with.
ReplyDeleteI think an important part of understanding trans/gender dysphoria issues is for people to share stories and experiences. I so appreciate you sharing yours!
Thank you for sharing this with everyone! I have a friend who started sharing how he felt in high school and didn't start to pursue the transitioning process until he was almost done with college, mostly becasue he was afraid off all the friends and family he would lose with the transition.
ReplyDeleteNicole Kintz also came to speak in another one of my classes. You had mentioned that there are still laws discriminating against trans people in the hiring process. She said the opposite and that last year there was law protecting from the discrimination in the work place and that was the reason she decided to return to teaching as Nicole. Have you had trouble or experienced discrimination in the work place?
Amber Hunt
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! I did have one question. You mentioned three area where discrimination is a problem; hiring, housing, and public accomodations. Are there other areas that maybe don't get as much attention, but that are still important? I mean things like filling out forms that require you to check M or F. I ask because my son is gender fluid, and it seems like every form we have to fill out needs an attached explanation sheet or something. Thanks!
ReplyDelete932619802
ReplyDeleteDitto the other posters' thanks!
I have a friend who is MtF. It's only been since attending college and pulling myself head out of the figurative sand (which is pretty deep in the traditional religious circles I was reared in) that I had sympathy for these issues. Previously, I would wonder and disrespect. I grew up being told that aberrant sexuality was a choice and evil. Now how the tables have turned. I even dared to 'open the book' to my parents at Thanksgiving dinner. Enough about me and on to my friend.
She is perhaps more depressed after ID-ing female (lesbian on top of it) than she was as a male. She is constantly laughed at and called "homo," etc. This even happens in the melting pot of downtown. She feels like she will never find someone who loves her. She is not what many would call attractive in the basest sense and I think her negative self-image and depression probably compound each other.
It is so sad to hear her talk about these issues and an unfulfilled romantic life. She doesn't think surgery will make things any better because she believes such a small part of the population would be interested in a 'man who acts like a woman but wants to be with a woman.'
Each subsequent rejection she suffers brings her lower down. I am worried about her. I wish I could help. I wish people had empathy. I wish America was different. I wonder if she shouldn't seek out like communities or move to San Francisco, Seattle or the Netherlands. From your perspective, is there anything (doable) I might do to help her?
I'm glad to hear you are happier now. Many countries acknowledge five genders. How repressive and trapped this must make people feel. The medical and some religious communities have done a great disservice to wonderful people like you and my friend.
I'm sorry I said that wrong. My friend is not MtF except in identity.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you sharing your experience. I am moved by the struggles and lack of understanding and suffereing that you've experienced. I've worked in the arts in San Francisco and New York for much of my life and have had many professional and personal interactions with people that identify as transgender, transexual, et cetera. Even having interactions far beyond the average person in our culture, I feel as if I have very little idea of the myriad issues associated with being trans-. I'm finding myself preoccupied in this post trying to sort out the respectful and appropriate way to comment about this subject. The lack of openness and possibilities for misunderstanding are incredible. I agree with previous comments that more information can only help create broader acceptance by the culture at large.
ReplyDeleteI have a fond memory of introducing my son to an old friend. She said, "Henry! I love that name. It was my boy name." I'd worked with her for fifteen years and in that simple exchange we broached a subject that had been sort of an elephant in the room. I never expected her to explain herself to me, but I would have liked to have the same understanding of her developmental path as I had of my own and some others.
First of all, I’d like to reiterate the sincere gratitude that some of my peers have expressed, for sharing your challenging story with a classroom full of people that you’ve never met, and for doing so with such grace. I am a strong believer that education about things we are not familiar with helps each of us grow and eliminate the barriers of prejudice. Your story provides your readers with a new perspective to ponder and consider how there are so many different pathways that life can have us travel.
ReplyDeleteI guess I am loaded with personal questions, and I do not want to sound rude or inconsiderate in any way by asking a few of those questions. First of all, you mentioned a lot of discrimination. Did you experience it before you (forgive me for possibly saying this wrong…) “came out” and recognized your true gender? Possibly for acting differently than you were expected to act, etc.?
Also, you admitted to having some strong inner conflict on top of everything that was going on between you and your environment; how did your family and friends approach your frustrations? Where you able to maintain family and friend relationships? I know from my own experiences that kids can be brutal and ruthless throughout middle school and high school. If it weren’t for my sisters and parents – as well as the many athletic and academic programs I dedicated myself to – some of my inner conflicts would have probably taken control of me. I guess what I’m asking is, obviously you are a successful student and well-educated person, so how did you pull yourself through? Did you have any hobbies, relationships, activities, books, etc. that helped you keep your head up and continue life despite your uncertainties?
I know that you mentioned Zoloft and eating disorders. I witnessed many people experience these throughout high school as they fought their own inner conflicts, but their stories seem less deep and substantial than your story. Yes, they definitely had some challenges and I will never claim that what they were experiencing wasn’t real and important, but usually they were caused more by their environment that from their internal selves. You seemed consciously and unconsciously determined that something didn’t feel right with yourself – more than skin deep. How would you compare yourself to people who worry solely on the reaction and opinion of others? And, from your experiences, is there anything you would like to say to those people about finding yourself?
I am looking back at my questions above and hope that I have asked them in the right way… I’d just like to end by saying that you are pretty amazing to have gone through so many challenges and yet sound so sure – so confident and graceful – in your words. Congratulations on finding your “true” self and for having the courage to express yourself not only to this class, but to everyone that you have encountered through your journey.
956364013
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in high school there was a "boy" that went by Victoria. My friends and I called him an "It". SHE would dress like a female and do everything a girl would do. At the time I was naive and didn't understand why a boy was doing this. I knew about gays, but transgender was unknown to me. Some say that I was sheltered... Yeah.
I would hear people snicker about her and make jokes. I knew it wasn't right though. I felt bad for her, she just wanted to feel right about who she was.
This isn't a pitty party for her though. Soon enough she had her good friends that accepted her for who she is. I am pretty sure she went through the transition to female but I don't know.
There are so many high schools that dont teach about transgender, and they should. Trans should not have to feel that who they physically are is who they have to be.They shouldn't have to feel the need to hide.
I'm happy your happy. I hope all the happyness in the world for you.
Oh wow, lots of questions. Sorry for the delayed reply, Wednesday is my horrendously busy day, but here goes...(and sorry, long-winded *again*)
ReplyDeleteKara, thanks!
Amber:
I haven't experienced any workplace discrimination, but then again, I haven't been open about this stuff for that long (went 'full-time' in August, changed my name in September, haven't yet been able to change my gender marker over, since my state's laws require proof of surgery for that, argh), and I've only had short-term employment since then (yay dismal legal job market D: ). I was doing short-term research/doc review for a lawyer in town and waited to tell him about my tran when the job was finished (basically, I sent him my final work product and just said, "oh hey by the way could you make the check out to [girl name]?"), and he was fine with it, but it's anyone's guess as to how that might have gone if I did it in the middle of my time working for him.
Re: workplace discrimination laws....they exist, but the problem is, there's kind of an uneven patchwork of antidiscrimination laws. Some states have enacted statewide laws covering gender identity, some states don't offer statewide protection but have individual cities with ordinances in place (see http://www.transgenderlaw.org/ndlaws/index.htm for a full list), and some places offer nothing at all. Plus, there's no federal law in place or anything (the Employment Nondiscrimination Act *was* going up for a House vote, but the markup has been delayed, possibly til next year, and the chances of it passing the House and Senate -at all- look kinda terrible), so.
Krystine:
ReplyDeleteHmm...other areas that don't get as much attention, but that are still important? Well...the gender marker thing on forms definitely springs to mind. It doesn't affect your immediate survival needs in the same way as, say, employment discrimination, but it can make for uncomfortable situations when you identify as [sex A], present as such, et cetera, but have [sex B] on your ID/records. This is made even worse by the fact that most states won't let you change your gender marker on birth certificate, driver's license, etc. until you provide a court with proof of sex reassignment surgery (and SRS is really expensive, like $10-15k+, and very very rarely covered by insurance, so a lot of transpeople can't really swing that, given the unemployment/poverty rates among transpeople), so if it's a form where you have to put your legal sex as opposed to what you identify as, well....problematic. In some cases, people will think you're trying to defraud them or something (not a form, but with driver's licenses....I've had a few times where someone checking my DL for whatever reason will ask me my address or date of birth where there's no real reason why they'd *need* to ask, and some trans friends of mine have had the same kinds of experiences), and even if you don't get the third degree, it's really depressing and a little humiliating to have to put [Female name/gender: male] or [Male name/ gender: female] on forms.
Also, I guess this fits, medical care issues. For one thing, most (all?) insurance carriers specifically exclude *any* care relating to treatment of gender identity disorder. SRS especially (since I guess the idea is like, 'this is frivolous & unnecessary & a ~lifestyle choice~,' et cetera, which is about the same kind of argument the Republicans have brought to bear against public health care coverage of GID-related stuff, haha). Second, in some cases, gender-specific health care resources (like some women's health clinics, see http://tinyurl.com/yccya5j
and http://tinyurl.com/yadyngs
, and some women's shelters, or so I've heard?) tend to be off-limits to trans people, despite a lack of valid reasons for the exclusion (with the health clinics, they make vague arguments about 'special needs/drain on resources,' with women's shelters, the argument is that the presence of trans women will be 'triggering' to cis women there). There's probably more stuff but I'm kinda out of it tonight and drawing a blank right now, sorry. :x
Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteFirst off, it's really great to hear that you were able to get educated about stuff, especially coming from a traditional-religious background. :)
Yeah, the dating pool for trans people kinda sucks horribly, and it's even worse if you're not all pretty and able to pass well and such. Um. I have to say, though....for what anecdotal experience is worth, I have a few friends who are lesbian trans girls and who have gotten into relationships with cis lesbians. So for what it's worth, even if it is just a small part of the population, things aren't entirely hopeless? And from my perspective, uh....sorry, I'm not really sure what to suggest. I don't know that moving to someplace purported to be a liberal LGBT mecca is the answer here, though (and sorry, I hope that doesn't sound rude or anything, I just figured that was the common thread between those three places?). I dunno. I'd like to think that you can find open-minded people wherever, and that a place is purported to be 'queer-friendly' doesn't necessarily mean that the people there are going to be that great. :s Anyways, advice, uh....if you have bisexual friends, maybe introduce them to her? (Oh god sorry that's probably a really crappy suggestion but I haven't figured the dating stuff out myself, much less figured it out enough to give other people advice. I've only had one boyfriend, he was perfectly okay with my condition, but we broke up after two and a half years for reasons wholly unrelated to my tran, and now we're in kind of friends-with-benefits territory, so I'm kinda lacking experience with the dating pool.)
Neal:
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks. :3 And yeah, lack of openness/etc. is a big thing. I mean, I think it's pretty important to get more info about the condition out there (esp. that it's not a choice or a weird fetish or whatevers, argggggh) and put a human face on the condition. I mean, as to misunderstanding the condition....the religious-right types like to conjure up these predatory bogeyman (bogey-drag queen?) figures whenever trans issues come to the political fore, but....many of us transpeople are really really normal, decent people, *boring as hell* (haha), even. And awww, I'm glad you were able to get past the elephant-in-the-room kind of thing that way. :3
Helmhout and Anon #2, I haven't forgotten about you, it's just going to take me a little to work up responses. Sorry. ^^;
Anyways, thanks for the thank-yous and kind words and interest, everyone! I hope my responses didn't sound too rambly and tangential or anything. :x
And additional questions are welcome - I'm pretty much done with classes for the week, so I have more than enough time to answer them.
I've seen many talk shows that by age 11 or so before puberty, the child is convinced that they were born into the wrong body. Their parents go right into hormone therapy. Do you think that parents should wait until they're child is really sure and it's not a phase or that the parent should make the child happy and go into hormone therapy? I mean do you think that it would have helped out you tremendously if your parents would have let you undergo hormone therapy at an early age?
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
Bethany Walker Psych 311
I was discussing gender and sex with a fellow class mate as we are in Gabi's human development class. I have to say I admire your willingness to share your story on here. What made you decide that you felt more an urge to be a trans girl rather than what is considered a gay male? In class and through our text book we have discussed how biological factors determine our physical genders and yet there are also other things to be taken into consideration such as psychological factors. The instance with David Reimer who was a twin and born as a male but was reassigned to be a girl after a surgery gone wrong shows us that in some cases, we are who we are inside so to speak. Lawrence Kohlberg had the stage theory approach which discusses basic gender identity, gender stability, and gender consistency. However it seems with you and other trans sexuals that consistency is not as defined. Or is it always known, but since there are more factors such as social influences and discovering oneself as any heterosexual, homosexual, or any person for that matter goes through, it takes discovering and time along with other general life experiences. What makes one person know and match their physical gender at birth and antoher "girl" want to dress and become more like a "boy" or is there really just a third gender that is a little bit of both? Or are we all a little bit of both and for the sake of reproduction have definitive parts. Or maybe we are created to be one or the other and adaptation or whatever other influences have changed that. Or have we evolved from being organisms that are one way or the other traditionally and now we are changing to become more than males or females. Thanks for your time. So many interesting things to consider and learn about human development. The cliche of being so close yet so far away is how I feel sometimes after these things I am studying. Which is the exciting part of learning too. =)
ReplyDeleteJarita
Thank you for clarifying transgender separate from the books interpretation. The post answered many questions that I need to fully understand the transgender perspective. I myself, am a female by sex, but as a child I felt comfortable hanging out with grups of all boys and all girls. I think that if I had to conform to one social group than my development would have been affected. I have many sides to myself, I can be tough, aggressive, and soft and nurturing. It is not one of these qualities, rather all of these qualities that comprise me; thus I have to express my many sides in order to feel at ease with myself.
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteYour story was really touching to me and thank you so much for sharing it. I think you are really making a difference in how people think about transexuals. I think you very well made the right decision about coming out with your feeling and emotions, and sharing with people about who you really were. Just making yourself happy was the key to give our life a big turn around. I was very happy to hear that after all you have been through (which i can imagine must be very hard) you still have managed to have a good life and improving it with time. Being honest I never really understood the concept of transexuals, and this by far made it very clear to me. I never had disrespected anybody regardless of what they are or what they define themselves as, but I now could say that I have more respect for people like you and you should never be ashamed of who you are.
The fact that your family and friends were very supportive just proves to you that no matter what you are you are loved and thats what real friends and family really are, people that will be there for you no matter what.
wish you the best in the future,
Bertha Ruiz
Human development 311
908252228
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your story. I only know about gay and les. Now I get some idea about trans. You're very brave to share your experience. I remember I had a friend who is gay in high school, and everyone joked around her alot. He was very nice, i have to say. However, some people aren't very open-minded.
After reading your story, I'm just wondering if your voice is also changed with the transition? And what did your first feeling of your "true" self. Were you happy and comfortable after being tran, or it take time to get used to "new body" (I'm not sure if it's a right word)
Thanks
Thanks for being so brave and sharing your story. I think it's awesome that our society has come so far in addressing people with varying sexual orientations. I asked my 50-year-old parents about it and they couldn't recall in "their day" ever having come across trans-gendered individuals. I wonder, then, how transgender people must have felt and dealt with their situations at that time. They must have felt so alone and isolated. I feel as if we have become a more tolerant society, but I'm sure we have a long way to go in accepting everyone's gender choices/preferences. Gay marriage is an example, and--I think--a symbol of where we are now and how far we need to go to achieve total equality.
ReplyDeleteSorry if this is a bit of a tangent, but that's what blogs are all about right?
Thanks again for your courage!
~Liz