Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What's your romantic attachment style?

In line with what I promised in class yesterday, here's a short quiz to measure your romantic attachment style.

This particular questionnaire will break down your beliefs about romantic relationships in two dimensions - anxiety and avoidance.  Anxiety relates to your feelings of self-worth and whether or not you are worthy of the love of others.  Avoidance relates to your desire for closeness in a relationship.






37 comments:

  1. I fell into the "preoccupied" quadrant, which at first shocked me (I don't consider myself an extremely anxious person) but after reading about preoccupied personalities, it seemed very fitting. The site says that "Although they [preoccupied people] are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships."

    This is so me! I always get jealous of ex-girlfriends and other ridiculous things, and most of my time is spent trying to adjust what is really bothering me from what is unnecessarily bothering me. Too bad this website doesn't have any helpful advice for what to do to push yourself into the secure quadrant! It's a project I (unknowingly) have been working on for a while now. This quiz was really interesting Gabi- thanks for posting it!
    -Mary Ann Reeves (in your human development TR 10-12)

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  2. I fell into the "fearful-avoidant" category. I'm almost embarrassed to admit this here. But, it's probably true. I don't really have serious romantic relationships. Lo and behold, I am considered "avoidant." Not a surprise. Pretty irritating, but not a surprise. This quiz would be better if it gave you possible reasons why you are the way you are so you could address them. We could all slowly float into the "secure" category. One day. Hopefully!

    Jamie Poster (HD TR 10-12)

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  3. This was an interesting questionaire. I am always wary how much these things can really tell about someone, especially when the measurement is decided by the person being measured. We talked a lot in class, about how we have inflated opionions of ourselves...I thought this might get in the way. I tried to make the results more real, by not looking at what was being measured. So I didn't look at the chart until after I took the questionaire. I fell into the "secure" category, those who don't typically worry about whether their partner's are going to reject them and they are comfortable being emotionally close to others.

    I feel comfortable with this description of myself. I also think that being married has a lot to do with this, as well as the way that I was brought up (Islamic society has a different view on what intimate relationships look like than western society in general).

    Rachael Standley (HD 311 TR 10-12)

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  4. Danielle Swaser, HD 311, TH 10-12March 10, 2010 at 2:55 PM

    I was very interested in taking this quiz after you mentioned it in class. I always enjoy seeing where I fall in certain areas.

    I fell into the secure quadrant. This does not suprise me becuase I have always felt that I am a very picky person when it comes to selecting someone that I want to get romantically involved with. I have not had too many relationships, but the few I have had have lasted for quite some time.

    I do have these ideas and standards in my head of how I want to feel and act in relationships and how I think they should work successfully. When those aren't present I know that something is not right for me and I get out. Therefore I am not suprised that I fell into the secure quardrant for my romantic attachment style.

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  5. Well I took the attachment quiz and I was plotted into the secure quadrant. I would say this is pretty accurate. I do have low anxiety and low avoidance. This is kind of interesting though because I have wondered what kind of attachments I have. I think a lot of the outcome of this test has to do with my personallity. I tend to be easy going and not fearful to express my emotions. I have never been one to put myself in high stress or anxiety situations.

    Elaine S. 915453725

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  6. I also took the attachment quiz and was plotted into the secure quadrant on the low anxiety side. I think this is accurate with my relationships. After discussing attachment in class, I was curious to see where I fit. I had a feeling it was going to be in the secure quadrant, but I wasn't 100% sure. I wonder if I would have the same outcome if the questions related to other peers and friends instead of my partner? I think the variables would be interesting.

    Jeremy S. 950023770

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  7. Very interesting quiz, Gabi, thank you for posting it! I fell into the secure category which I believe is rather accurate, I'm willing to guess that my current boyfriend would too. One thing I really value about our relationship is that we allow each other to have friends, particularly of the opposite sex, and that we can do things with those friends without the other person blowing up the phone or laying on guilt trips for it. My last boyfriend was very uncomfortable with me having male friends and was always suspicious of it. It was very frustrating because I'm a faithful person and was never doing anything wrong. My boyfriend now has a lot of female friends and I'm generally very comfortable with him going out with them. Sometimes I get tinges of jealousy but I think it's important for people to step back a bit when that happens and realize that's generally their problem, not their partners. That isn't to say you should turn a blind eye when there are obvious signs of betrayal, but if objectively those signs aren't there, coveting your partner and projecting that insecurity on to them will only make things worse for both of you in the long run.

    PSU ID: 978802269

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  8. PSU ID: 915394202

    Thank you for posting the quiz!

    I fell into the secure quadrant, with a bit higher of an attachment-related anxiety score than my avoidance score. In the beginning it tells you to generalize your relationships, but I tended to think more about my current relationship. At times I'm anxious, as a lot of changes are going on in my life. I think it's more about wanting someone I can have as a constant in my life, rather than worrying about losing their affection.

    I've always felt like I can open up and become more attached than the other person, so over the years I tended to become more cautious, but without much success. I think relationships require openness and dependability and I think I'm more secure than I would have been in other relationships because I'm with someone who shares those same beliefs.

    I would be curious to see how high-schoolers score on this test and how accurate it is based on self-perception.

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  9. Trinh,

    I feel into the "secure" quadrant, with a low anxiety score. With wife is a very important person in my life, she is always there when I need her. If I would of taking the quiz a few years back, I would probably fall into the fearful-avoidant and high anxiety. The girl that I was dating at the time wasn't a right partner for me, we had a lot of problems.

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  10. i just completed the attachment questionnaire, and i fell in the secured quadrant which was a real shock. I thought i would be considered to clingy i feel i depend on my bf for EVERYTHING. But at the same time i feel confident that he wont leave me, and I'm real confident of his respect and love for me. I reading the questions i found myself wondering what my bf would answer maybe it would be the exact opposite. I think i will ask him to fill the questionaire out to compare our attachnment levels.

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  11. I thought this test was fairly accurate in describing me as low-anxiety and a little dismissive. I tend not to worry about my partner cheating on me or leaving me and I feel the urge to be by myself or get some distance from the relationship sometimes. It's great to know where I lie in the spectrum so that I can anticipate what my natural reactions are going to be and try to make better decisions with this knowledge. The description at the end offered some good advice by saying that I can sometimes come across as hostile or competitive. Knowing this, it would be good for me to try to be more easy-going than I sometimes am.

    One aspect of the test I had trouble with is in the beginning when the test asked me to think of my responses in the context of all of my relationships and not solely my current one. This was almost impossible for me to do. Maybe it's just because my current relationship is the longest one I've been in, but it seems like my answers were skewed towards the relationship I'm currently in. If I had taken the test years ago when I was in a different relationship, I think my answers would have been very different.

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  12. I got a low avoidence low
    anxiety mark. I feel that this is pretty accurate. I have only been with one guy, who I married so I only had one relationship that was romantic to go off of. I feel that it is very accurate though. We are able to tell eachother everything and I don't worry about him leaving me or not being able to tell him things.
    I didn't like the questions where its says something like, "do you wish your partner gives you as much affection that you give." It frustrates me because there is no button that says he does.

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  13. I fell into the preoccupied attachment category. At first I was surprised, but then I analyzed the reason behind why I was in that category. For a long time, I’ve had trust issues in relationships. I can feel confident about sharing my emotions or feelings (negative or positive with my partner), but I can’t completely trust a man to be faithful to me. Society has influenced my views on men by making me think that most men are unfaithful and are likely to cheat! I mean, I see how other women have good relationships with their husbands, but I just can’t seem to find someone who I can trust and be attracted to them as well. I hope my pessimistic views of men change over time changes over time, but I have yet to meet a good, faithful guy who will change my views.

    PSU ID: 928409604

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  14. I fell right in between low avoidance and secure. This didn't surprise me as I have been with my partner for 18 years. It did remind me however that even in the longest of relationships there can still be a sense of insecurity. It has always been my belief that if you begin to feel too secure about the relationship then it has a chance to fail. The minute you think it won't happen to you, is when it does. I have seen several friends go through divorce because they "knew" their partner wouldn't leave them and began to behave poorly. I guess what I am trying to say, is that there should never be a time when we take our partners for granted. Cherish them for who they are and what they bring into our lives. Security is a wonderful gift in a relationship and it can't exist without a fantastic mate.

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  15. Mary Kate Hart:

    I took the quiz and scored a 2.46 on anxiety and 1.43 on avoidance. I am happy with the score I got because I feel it accurately reflects my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 2 years now. He is my best friend and I feel 100% comfortable around him. But at the same time, I know we are both young and going through a time of transition. Right now we both say we wont to spend the rest of our lives together and that's the goal we are trying to fulfill. But I know that life changes things and we may not always be together or make it to marriage. I don't want this to happen, nor do I think it will as of now, but I know it is a possibility. We are very secure in our relationship but I think everyone worries a little. It wouldn't be interesting if we didn't. That small amount of jealousy keeps it exciting and lets me know how much I care about him and he cares about me. If the thought of me leaving didn't cross his mind every once in a while he would have nothing to be accountable too and the same goes for me.

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  16. It didn't surprise me much that I fell somewhere in between the fearful-avoidant and the high-avoidance quadrant. I grew up in the Middle East and thus in a culture that constantly segregated men and women. In fact, from a young age, a Saudi Arabian woman is taught to never really trust a man unless he is her father, brother, grandfather, uncle or husband. For this reason I have had issues with being comfortable around men, especially in a romantic way. I am working on this though and it definitely helps to understand this tendency of mine based on the information that I have learned about myself through this psychology course as well as others that I have taken at PSU. I do still wonder how much a scale of 1-7 can really say about how I truly feel about a partner given each specific situation. Yes, I feel that this test was accurate but there is more to each person's story than what can be deduced from a quiz. I did however enjoy taking this quiz, so thank you for posting it!

    Miriam A. 987330843
    (Human Dev. Tues/Thurs 10-12)

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  17. Jason Meeuwsen,
    This test was somewhat difficult despite the fact that it really reflects how i am as a person and as a person in relationships. I scored a 1.55 on attachment-related anxiety score and a 3.33 on attachment-related avoidence score. I am not a jealous person at all and that likely comes from a high degree of self-confidence which is reflected in the fact that I have a very low attachment anxiety and have even been accused of not being jealous enough. Secondly i do not really share a lot of what is going on through my mind with anyone but that is not due to an opposition to it, just a choice, which is a strange dynamic. As a person, i would describe myself as low anxiety and secure, just as the graph shows and i find that interesting. I think that every situation is different however and it is hard to generalize with these questions if you are not in a relationship currently. Interesting none the less

    Jason Meeuwsen - PSY 311U-04

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  18. I fell in between the fearful avoidence and high avoidance area as well as had a very high anxiety score. I feel like this is very accurate. I'm not comfortable with myself and often question myself and my self worth. I think the test was pretty accurate in that category.

    As I read throgh my notes, I paid close attention to where it said we have links between what you remember about your parents and adult attachments. I feel that my score on this quiz proves this point. I never had a strong relationship with my parents. My older brother had special needs to my parents spent more time with him than with me. I feel as if I never got the attention I needed. And I remember questioning myself...was I worthy of my parents attention. Now that I'm an adult I find myself doing the same thing with romantic relationships. I often feel like I'm not worth their attention, or I question if I am worthy of their attention.

    PSU ID: 989204954

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  19. I love these kinds of tests. It amazes me how most of the time they nail own your true feelings or emotions. This time I felt into the secure quadrant which surprises me because I’m a very possessive of my significant other. I’m definitely very comfortable opening up to others emotionally especially those very close to me but I’m also very jealous of my surroundings. I have to say that I was at the edge of the preoccupant quadrant which makes me wonder if this two (opening emotionally and jealousy) balance each other to make a more positive result rather than negative?

    PSU ID: 952977658

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  20. that was a pretty good quiz. i am going to pass it on to others :) tho, maybe i am partial because it said i am secure...but i know that i sometimes have feelings of insecurity, sometimes my mind gets carried away...but i think the trick is not letting those 'crazy' thoughts take over your head or dictate your actions & trying to keep them under control.

    student id 912 68 4531

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  21. I was utterly unsurprised when I fell into high-anxiety and low avoidance, being a preoccupied. I'm often very attached to the people that I'm in a relationship to and seek them out quite a bit. I'm also very insecure about who I am and my self esteem, so I'm often very worried about the state of my relationships with everyone, let alone a romantic partner.

    I'm interested, though, in how they manage to categorize these questions and come up with a value system that reflects how people tend to think. Most of the comments so far have reflected how 'accurate' the quiz is in describing their personality, even though everyone has a different style of attachment.

    Colin Lexa PSU: 945820412

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  22. When taking this test, I think it was important to note that results could be slightly bias, due to being psychology students we possibly know what questions would result in what category of self. (at least I could tell, but tried to answer truthfully.)

    Particularly, I fell into the secure category. I was slightly surprised because I have never really had an intimate relationship. I always wonder why I have never had a relationship, especially seeing most of my friends skip from one relationship to the next. Lately, and through this class I have been interested in knowing whether I have problems with attachment. However, I grew up with a well-balanced childhood, my parents were very loving and enforced some rules, which as we learned in lecture is the most favorable parental guidance for a secure self. I wanted to take the quiz, so instead of focusing on past romantic relationships, I focused on relationships with friends of mine, as well as the "almost relationships" I have had in my life. This is what I feel lead me to a result of a secure self, however the way I act and feel most of the time would probably be dismissive. I usually shut out emotions, and avoid intimacy because I have never really experienced it before, and don't care. I am very independent and rarely rely on other people. Is this maybe because I have never had a relationship or because I am more a dismissive self? I also look at friends of mine who cannot be alone, must always be attached to someone, and if not in a romantic relationship they tend to attach to a friend; most likely falling in the preoccupied self category.

    Each category I feel is very accurate to the adult self, and being able to notice it in my friends proves it even more. Whether I am secure or dismissive, I assume I will have to find out, when I actually experience a romantic relationship. For people who are like me, this quiz may not be completely accurate.

    But still very interesting...

    Melissa Morrison
    T/R 10-12 HD student ID: 980 270 344

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  23. JOhn Ryan CustodioMarch 13, 2010 at 4:53 PM

    After taking this test, i fell into the secure quadrant. I honestly didn't think i would originally, but it does make sense. it states that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.

    This seems to be true since I'm married and have been with my wife for more than 5 years. 1 of those years was a long distant relationship. Overall it felt accurate. Fun test also...definitely going to recommend others to try this.

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  24. Chelsea GriffithsMarch 13, 2010 at 8:55 PM

    In taking this test, I fell into the dismissing quadrant. I have to say, I wasn't surprised one bit. I know that it's not always in my best interest, but I completely value my autonomy. I almost feel sometimes as if I'm trying to prove myself to everyone all the time and in doing so I've sabotaged many relationships in my life.

    Although I don't switch partners often, I almost always have one. In three years I went just one week without someone. However, I always find myself in really bad relationships with people I don't really trust. All of my relationships end because I'm not happy - it doesn't matter if they are. I feel like I make people unhappy by being unhappy, so I've stopped dating and been living the single life for almost 9 months now. I'm doing my best to work on my attachment style as I don't see it as healthy or fulfilling, but it’s not exactly easy to change how I do things when I’ve been doing them a certain way for my whole life.

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  25. PSU ID 975967265

    Hey Chelsea, that sounds like a decent strategy. Forcing yourself to change your style may not be feasible, but being aware of costly behaviors will help you moderate yourself when the right someone comes along.

    I was a pre-occupied wreck into my mid 20's. A series of romantic dry spells interrupted by bad relationships had brought me to a point of desperation and insecurity. When I moved to Portland I had just ended another strange relationship and was on a bit of a hiatus while I figured out my new life. Naturally, it was during this time I met my wife.

    My bad attachment behaviors weren't immediately corrected when we met and we had a couple rough patches in the beginning. But working out relational kinks with the right partner is simply magical. We've been married for 5 years now and feel very happy and secure in our relationship. It's cool that the quiz indicated this by plotting me with a strong 'secure' score.

    Real love, not the romantic butterflies nonsense in story books, but the love that takes effort, empathy, some sacrifice, and some courage is a powerful thing. It is surprising that the subject isn't really covered in this class.

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  26. After taking the test, I fell into the secure quadrant. I guess I really wasn't suprised at all since I feel I am very open and secure with myself. I have not had many relationships, and 5 years ago I went through a divorce. My ex husband and I have children and we are still very good friends. A lot of people (friends and family) find my relationship with him to be strange. I will always love my ex-husband as a friend and there was never no doubt that I have to feel insecure with myself or my relationship with him when him and I were married. Being happy and feeling secured is very important for any individual to find within them selves before they can be in a healthy and happy relationship.

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  27. HD 311 T-Thurs 10-12
    ID: 912490555

    I took the test and apparently fit into the secure category. I feel that it accurately reflects my relationship with my current girlfriend. I've been in a six year long relationship, and I don't typically feel dependent on her for anything, or even worry about our relationship that much. I'm comfortable enough to say that when I have problems, I feel at ease going to her for support or guidance, just as she would with me. As some others who have posted, I have been able to hold on to friendly relationships with ex's, which is why I feel I couldn't condemn my significant other for doing the same. After six years I feel like if you aren't secure in you relationship, it probably just won't work. The test seemed to push you toward the secure category as well by the wording of the questions.

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  28. I thought this quiz was pretty cool, although I am surprised my anxiety score wasn't higher, not because I specifically worry a lot about my partner leaving me/not loving me, but because I am such a worrier in general. Perhaps I was hamming it up for the camera (Amelia Bedelia would love that one). I wonder which attachment styles work well with one another. Also, I think a lot of us tend to think of men as being less attached, less dependent on relationships, and less needy but I wonder how their scores measure up compared with women and why. I would like to see the compiled numbers for this to explore gender differences and which styles were most common, if any.

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  29. Tara Marshall 980300502 HD 311March 14, 2010 at 12:16 PM

    My attachment style was revealed a “secure”. I’m actually not surprised at this outcome, but now I’m interested to see where my husband will fall. Personally, I don’t tend to think about my romantic relationships too much. My view is that if I’m analyzing every aspect of a relationship then something probably isn’t right. I tell this to my girlfriends who frequently call me regarding their relationships. My friends will spend hours picking about every phase or gesture their partner states/makes when the answer can be found with a direct conversation with the person of interest. Overall, trust is key.

    That being said, I guess my confidence stems from my upbringing. My parents are very supportive and provided an environment that allowed for independence. I don’t rely on anyone but myself, not even my husband even though I trust him to take care of me (emotionally, that is). A negative aspect of this is that often times my partners don’t feel as though I need them and past relationships have ended because of it.

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  30. KYLEA Gleason 927894634
    (Human Development TR 10:11:50)

    I fell into the secure category. I'm not surprised by this outcome because I have only been in two serious relationships and many casual relationships. I know a lot of girls that are in constant need of a text message or call from their significant other. I am not like that, even though in my relationship now we text each other when we are apart just because. I am a very independent person and I look forward to seeing the negatives and positives of being secure in emotional relationship attachments. I feel that negatively my partner sometimes classifies himself as being passive to my emotions, but as you see he fell into the secure category as well. I find that both of us being secure helps are relationship.

    I was brought up as an only child and as the only grandchild/niece for 12 years on my mom's side of the family and still the only niece on my dad's side of the family. I don't like to analyze relationships because my mom always told me that it's yourself that you wake up with and go to sleep with and that if you are happy with what you have completed in life so far then you have nothing to regret or worry about. As an only child I was very independent and really had to be more of an adult around my parents so that I would not be treated like a child. Also being around my parents and grandparents and uncles and aunts a lot helped me realize that intimate relationships are not the most important in life. I really enjoy my current partner, we spend a lot of time together so it was interesting to answer the questions and I even had him take the quiz too and surprisingly we came up with the same results.

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  31. I fell into the secure category. Based on the text, this seems to make sense as I have a secure relationship with my parents. I can't say that all my relationships would be characterized in that department, however it would characterize my attachment style.

    I wouldn't say that my peers in my k-12 years influenced my attachment style very much. Very few of these relationships have lasted to present. I did have some close peers who I still keep in contact with. My experience did not match the ideal model in the text at all. That being groups becoming cliques and people dating around in the clique. I never experienced this ideal scenario, not even while earning my bachelors. That being said, I assumed this experience would influence my score and push it more towards low avoidance, which it did, but my scores on anxiety and avoidance were below 4.

    While reading the text on this chapter I read on page 434 of the Sigelman and Rider book that, "being socially isolated and feeling lonely have been linked to cognitive decline and even signs of dimensia." I have observed similar conditions in my own life having uprooted myself and lived in Tillamook for a year. Not that there is a problem with Tillamook, but my life style there was very isolated, both at work and at home. Between the awful working conditions and lack of many comrades I felt very lonely and almost dumb. This theory would explain this condition.

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  32. I really liked this quiz. I fell into the secure category. After reading the explanation I feel this is completely accurate. In the relationships I've had I've always felt at ease with how I feel about my girlfriend or what she thinks of me. There were a few times when it's hard to communicate effectively or accurately what I'm feeling, but I'm not afraid to do so. I've always kinda thought that having the trouble to communicate feelings effectively is a sign of insecurity, but I guess the main point is that I feel comfortable to try no matter if it takes a while to accurately tell them.
    I feel though I am secure in all of my relationships not just romantic ones. My parents have always been very open with their's in a safe and growing way. This has helped me to do so with all my friendships and relationships.

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  33. The quiz said that one of the reasons psychologists can compare infant and adult attachment styles is that both use baby talk. The link to find out more about the quiz says that baby talk, while annoying, helps people in adult romantic relationships because:

    "They were more secure and less avoidant in their relationships. [Baby talk creates] warm emotional connections. Baby talk allows individuals to abandon adult roles and become vulnerable, nurturing, endearing and silly.
    Baby talk shows that couples have let their guard down, and are no longer afraid of being embarrassed around each other. Baby talk also serves as a sort of private language between the two, creating a special type of communication that they reserve only for each other.

    It goes on to say: This article on msnbc.com has a great quote from Carol Bruess, Ph.D.: “You are saying, symbolically, that you care enough about the other person and the relationship to develop your own way of speaking… You’ve got your own private world, your own mini culture.”

    One of my friends is married and she and her husband have always used baby talk. I never got it, but they have an enviable relationship.

    I have a secure attachment which surprised me because I answered for a relationship that wasn't so secure.

    I have good relationships with my parents and I think I was a secure baby so that must have helped. I remember thinking, "this isn't going well. what a jerk." haha

    I had good secure friendships growing up so that helped.

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  34. Nevermind. The quotes are from http://collegecandy.com/2009/08/27/sexy-time-the-baby-talkers/#more-38933.

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  35. When taking the quiz on Romantic Attachment Style, I found it difficult to answer the questions because my current relationship is unlike past relationships. I tried my best to make general conclusions based on my history of relationships rather than on my current. I was placed in the preoccupied quadrant which described it as associated with conflict. I do not disagree with this conclusion, however I find it difficult to assess because people change over time and may be placed in different quadrants at different times in their lives. Also, it depends on the way the questions are interpreted. This was an interesting quiz and I would like to research it further, when I have more time.

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  36. I forgot to add my PSU id # in my post.

    Ara Nelson
    907258439

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  37. I just did the Attachment Style Test, and while I found it accurate to the degree that it reflects my current behavior and feelings in relation to a partner; I felt it to be fairly inaccurate altogether.

    This test is subjective rather than both subjective and objective. It would be more accurate to have both the subject and the partner take the test and answer for the other, in order to assess whether the perceived behavior and feelings are shared in the belief of the subjects’ revealed attachment style.

    Notice how I said “Revealed”. Because there are questions that are also relatively internal; non-revealed perceptions of behavior, such as: “I often find that I am preoccupied with thoughts of my partner”. The partner may not be aware or even know of the extent to which your thoughts are preoccupied. You may not even really know what is to be preoccupied …you could think that thinking of your partner more than 2xs a day is preoccupation. This is easily a bias opinion.

    Perhaps this assessment is solely to be only evaluated by the individual for a purpose; if so...then what was the purpose? Because, clearly as a single woman, with no partner; I had to answer all the questions as if there currently existed a partner. Instead, I was forced to look back at my own feelings and behavior with my previous partner, and those were in no way a true assessment of myself and attachment styles.

    I can say this because I was dating someone who spoke a foreign language, came from another culture and had a completely different faith and value/moral set than me. So my attachment style was greatly influenced by his behavior, and my new role in his world.
    Interesting test, but I would take nothing from it.
    Johanna
    921294117

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